An open letter to the two

douchemooks ahead of me on the security line at JFK: there are other people in this world beside you.

Douchemook #1: Yes, I understand you paid a pretty penny for that fine Corinthian leather carry-on bag. That doesn't mean you should stroke it and pet it and call it "George" while the line behind you multiplies like bunnies fucking. Throw the fucking thing on the conveyor belt; it will be fine. The cow managed to wear it all those years without worrying about being rolled over a few metal bars, so you shouldn't either. 

And another thing:in the time it took you to slowly and methodically remove your Rolex and place it ever so gently in the little dish, and then remove your belt roll it up and place it so carefully in the plastic tray one would think you were handling nitroglycerin, mountain ranges could have formed. JESUS FUCK, DUDE, JUST THROW YOUR SHIT iN THE GODDAMNED TRAY AND GET A FUCKING MOVE ON!

Also: have you never flown before? Do you NOT know that you have to remove your shoes BEFORE you go through the fucking metal detector?

Okay, now for douchemook #2: yes, you, young bankstress, future Master of the Universe (assuming you can break the glass ceiling - good luck with that). You, with the three carry-on bags and little regard for the fact that there are other passengers on your flight who might need the overhead compartment space. You who were too fucking busy texting to notice that the line was leaving without you, stranding those of us unfortunate enough to be stuck behind you, while you made plans for dinner at some ludicrously expensive restaurant. Fine, I don't know that the restaurant is expensive, but you were acting like such a entitled twatwaffle that I can only assume the worst.

Here's a hint for you, princess: when your shit comes out the other side of the x-ray screener, you PICK UP YOUR SHIT AND MOVE TO THE END OF THE STAGING AREA, where there are benches for you to sit on and gather your thoughts and put your shoes back on. Under no circumstances, during FUCK PEAK COMMUTING HOURS, do you put each foot up on the screening belt to tie each of your "oh so edgy" Chuck Taylors while everyone else's belongings get wedged up behind your bags of debentures or whateverthefuck you were so prominently displaying so that everyone would be mightily impressed. And I have no idea why you would be surprised that I ran over your foot in the Au Bon Pain. I thought it was perfectly fitting.

And airlines wonder why flying is such a miserable experience. Because hell really IS other people.

Comments

[Skepticat]

If all you did was run over a foot, I think that you showed admirable--nah, superhuman--patience, kindness, and forbearance. Too bad.

[Fixer]

You and my wife should have a group session.

[Molotov]

i no longer fly ANYWHERE. when the fun stopped, as did i.

[Molly Ivors]

I don't think you should hold back like this: tell us how you really feel!

[Larry Bertoia]

a fucking men, sister.

[montag]

The great conundrum here is that screaming, "GET A FUCKIN' MOVE ON, ASSHOLE!," does get the job done, but, it also tends to draw the attention of the TSA.

M'self, I think it's a plot between the government and the airlines to keep people from complaining about the shitty service and the teeny, tiny seats in coach. Start bitching about anything and get a trip to the little room for a strip search.

Marketing genius.

[Capt. Bat Guano]

I would not think less of you if you would have punched the little bitch right in the snot locker.

[Steverino]

I was once trying to get into a supermarket while others were trying to get out. It was a hot day and the doors being wide open was bad for the air conditioner. The reason? Some soccer mom was stopped in the exact middle of the door with her full basket talking on her cell phone. You couldn't get around her if you had a basket. Sensing there was an urgent need for my experience as an infantry squad leader, I moved my 6'7" 300 pound body right up next to her and yelled: YOU'RE BLOCKING THE DOOR YOU SELF-CENTERED IDIOT. NOW, MOVE THAT CART OUT OF MY WAY! It was like I'd hit her with a cattle prod. All the polite people behind her (who would still be behind her if I had not done that) laughed and laughed. NEVER let the self-centered get away with that crap. Call them out on it and make them move. They're only "special" because others treat them that way.

[Mungen_Cakes]

I can be tolerant of people who obviously have not gone through the waterboarding-like torture of the TSA gauntlet before. It's so stupid that no one could be ready for it the first time.

However, self-entitled buttmunches like these two deserve to be jammed into the overhead compartment and have their luggage sent to Taipei.

Check your goddamn bags!!!!

[pansypoo]

cell phones turn brains into MUSH!
and god. nobody has MANNERS ANYMORE!

[Silver Owl]

LOL! I try so hard to make sure I never I have to fly. It is nothing but a freaking nightmare these days.

The next time I do fly I'm hoping it's to another country that I like and might not even come back. lol

[kathryn's husband]

WT rules.

And, since we're on the topic, how about the imbeciles that apparently don't understand what a metal detector does: It detects METAL, you cretinous dung beetles! So, it would be eversomuch appreciated if you'd remove the several pounds of loose change from ALL your pockets before going through the METAL detector. Likewise, take out the fist-size lump of keys, if'n you don't mind too terribly much.

OR! How about the incredibly clueless families traveling with their entire spawn of brood—or is it brood of spawn? Whatever. The ones who cannot adequately communicate to their offspring that THEY TOO must remove all change, keys, switchblades and zip guns from their person before entering the METAL detector. Or the ones who cannot keep control of their precious, wretched, mewling "Little Persons," as they wander, or run off, screaming at the tops of their lungs.

I could go on. But I won't.

By the way: I am available for children's parties.

[Miss T]

I will have to say that I forgot to take my shoes off since the last time I flew it was to Europe where they do not require you to do this.

[Kate R]

keeper words in this rant:
douchemook
bankstress
twatwaffle

[Gindy51]

I hate flying. As the spouse of a commercial airline pilot, I get free passes but never use them I hate it so much.
It isn't the air part, it is all the bull shit on the ground caused by humans. I just cannot abide being around so many stupid meat puppets.
And Steverino, kudos to you sir.

[BlakNo1]

Never been on a plane and I have no desire to now.

[Sister Faith]

Great stuff Steverino!

[Molotov]

fly? people fly now?

[whaleshaman]

"kudos"

rant? nay - this perfect

manifesto beyond mere

embrace of duty

[flory]

Coming home last night, after we all spent FOUR FUCKING HOURS!! sitting on the runway waiting for de-icing, we finally arrived at our destination. Douchemook #3, in the second row of the entire plane, gets out of his seat, hits speed dial on his cell phone and proceeds to have a conversation with his sweetie...while standing in the fucking aisle blocking an entire planeload of people from getting off.

I'm from the Steverino school of interpersonal relationships. I told him, in a very carrying voice, he had a choice OF MOVING HIS ASS OR SWALLOWING HIS FUCKING CELLPHONE!!

There was applause.

[Tom]

It's amazing that people are so mind-numbingly idiotic/inconsiderate that they can't talk and walk at the same time. i'm not planning on flying anywhere for the remainder of my life for the stated reasons and here's one more. i was picking up a female friend of the family coming in from Italy at about 9 p.m. and got out of my pick-up to help her with her bags. In the 2 minutes that i was retrieving her (she was standing on the curb with her stuff) the Reichstag Philly police TOWED MY TRUCK AWAY!!! The tow guy (who carried a gun, for just such occasions) "helpfully" drove us to the IMPOUND LOT where it cost me $150 to get my truck back and procede home.+

[invisible]

Yes well, I don't fly.

[TexBetsy]

Just don't line up behind me. Between the metal in my leg, the cane-scanning, the wheelchair scanning, and the fact that I can barely lift my backpack by myself, I am almost certainly be slower going through security than the people you referenced above.

Also, I once had TSA give me a hard time about gel ice packs, so I now carry a note from my doctor explaining why I need ice packs.

[Cleveland Bob]

3 words...High. Speed. Rail. Fuck air travel.

[heydave]

That's 6 words, Bob.

But good ones, nonetheless!

[Susan]

I have to carry a CPAP machine with me. For the uninitiated, I have sleep apnea and the machine is considered a medical device and not included as hand luggage. Several of my fellow passengers whined to the flight attendants asking why I was allowed to have an extra bag with me. Worst part was going through security in Detroit. CPAPs are given a special test for clearance. I'd carried it through Heathrow and Nashville with no problems. Going through Detroit, the security woman yelled, WE HAVE A CPAP!! WE HAVE A CPAP! MA'AM I NEED YOUR CPAP! Everybody froze and stared at me. A tad embarrassing.

[don]

9-11 carried off by: non US citizens and non-aircrew...yet we screen all US citizens and aircrew.

'They who would trade essential liberty for a little security, deserve neither liberty nor security'.

[Logan Watson]

Trust me, I DO NOT care at all whether you are slowed down by my actions. You do not matter to me, and for all I care, you can pull out your rectum by hand and swallow it.

And if you want to challenge me remember . . . I am meaner and stronger than you are.

[watertiger]

Oh, was that you lovingly fondling your leather attache, Logan?